Any discussion of rock music’s great wordsmiths has got to include the Red Rocker. And you can capture his wit and wisdom in this box set on Amazon!

The Most Accomplished Rock Music Wordsmith Of His Day Or Any Day!

“Suckers walk / Money talks / But it can’t touch my three-lock box.”

That, my friends, is just one sampling of the profoundly deep and thought-provoking lyrics found throughout this compilation honoring world class wordsmith Sammy Hagar, who was not only unquestionably the most erudite lyricist of his day but may be of any day. How about another so eloquently stated example:

“Crank up the drums / Crank out the bass / …There’s only one way to rock!”

As this quote demonstrates, one of Hagar’s lyrical strengths was how much he left open to interpretation–despite multiple suggestions contained within that particular composition, he ultimately leaves it to the listener to deduce that singular way to rock. There are so many layers of depth there. The man is also a master of every facet of wordplay in his poetry: oxymoron, onomatopoeia, puns, satire, dramatic irony, the list goes on.

And of course this volume contains his long-championed vehicular rebellion “I Can’t Drive 55”, the brilliance of which lingers on in the mind long after listening (“Take my license, all that jive” is still today a catchphrase among Hagar disciples).

But there is so much more to admire here. And it doesn’t even scratch the surface of all the poetry he penned as the singer for Van Halen–like “It’s got what it takes / So tell me why can’t this be love”, or “You know my heart is true / Oh whoa, I can’t stop loving you”. It does not get deeper than that.

Hagar’s poetry may not be the easiest to grasp on first listen, but that intellectual challenge is what keeps one coming back for more. You can keep Bob Dylan or Jim Morrison; for my money, no rock artist provokes the pondering mind like Sammy!

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If you want a really awful experience imprinted on your psyche forever, let your Cher fan wife get this look-alike wig. I shudder when I hear the words “Burgundy Cher Wig” to this day. (This review first appeared on Amazon.)

Guys…Be Warned: This Can Get WAY Out of Hand!

It was bad enough that my wife, whom I thought was sane in most respects, wanted to perform that awful song “Believe” at a karaoke bar. But then she decided to order the CD so she could get the tone and pitch and everything right, and she sees this wonderful burgundy Cher wig. Well, she just went nuts and had to have it. As you can guess, it went downhill from there.

We go to karaoke night at Wild Bill Buckhead’s, and after I spend a couple of hours cringing through wanna-bes singing “Achy Breaky” and “Piece Of My Heart” (yes, THAT “Piece of My Heart” by Janis Joplin, and you would think anyone could have sung it better than Joplin but GUESS AGAIN!), my wife signs up to sing “Believe”. Except some other babe has already signed up to sing it! The DJ tells her this and she freaks. She finds the girl and grabs her and shakes her while she’s screaming, “I’M CHER! I’M CHER! YOU CAN’T SING MY SONG YOU WHITE TRASH WENCH! I AM CHER!”

My mind was obviously occupied at the time, but the irony hit me later…imagine someone wearing a burgundy Cher wig calling another girl a “white trash wench”. Yeah. That happened in this universe.

Anyway, I had to pull her off of this poor girl, and of course now it’s a big scene and there’s even a couple of drunken idiots asking me if they can get her autograph. Great. Finally we get out of the bar and she’s still got this stupid wig on and she’s still screaming, “THAT’S MY SONG!” I got her home and said, “OK, NOW you can sing that dumb song!” So she put the CD on the stereo really loud and sang the song. It was brutal sitting through it but at least she finally quieted down.

Guys, just in case you’re thinking about tying the knot, just know that if she’s a Cher fan who wears Cher wigs, that’s a deal-breaker. What a frickin’ night.

(By the way, no, that isn’t my wife in the picture. That girl looks reasonably sane.)

Photo credit: neilward on Best Running / CC BY

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While Madonna may be someone that young women look up to, in my humble opinion it’s still important for women to shave their pits. (Amazon removed this one, so I guess they won’t want me linking to their site from it…)

Nice Girls Shave Their Pits

For all you young ladies out there, you might find Madonna to be a role model in some way. But after seeing her Playboy spread, I feel as though I should share with all of you a message as a public service, and I hope you take heed: nice girls shave their armpits.

Maybe I’m just old-fashioned, but I think a young women taking the time to shave her armpits does wonders for her self-esteem. I’m surprised Madonna would want to send a message to young ladies that excessive armpit hair (I’m talking Buckwheat in a headlock) is okay. As someone who was raised Catholic I would think she would know better.

Please keep in mind that shaving your pit hair will reduce the strain on your love relationships too. Remember that Madonna’s husband, Sean Penn (best known for his sterling performance in “Shanghai Surprise”), was driven to physically assault several reporters while married to Madonna. I would venture a guess that they were persistently hounding him about his wife’s unnecessarily luxurious armpit hair.

So if you want to spare your husband the stress of explaining to reporters why his wife has shag carpet swatches under her arms, please take the time to shave it. Good luck!

Photo credit: rwoan on Best Running / CC BY-SA