Comedy

No, Glad doesn’t make “non-opening” trash bags.

One day when I imagine I was about ten, my father and I were in the garage trying to dump the trash. After I spent several minutes of considerable effort trying to open a cheap trash bag, my father commented, “Looks like it’s one of those non-openers, huh?”

It took me about 35 years to realize he was being sarcastic, and I became fairly hysterical at the idea of a trash bag manufacturer making non-opening trash bags. So I created this little image and put it in the header for a laugh. I hope it’s legal. Miss you Pop.

Anyway, I don’t think I’m consistently funny enough to make a career out of being a humorist or even compile a book of funny Amazon reviews, but I’ve managed to make a few people chuckle a little bit with the posts below.

Many of these are reviews that I posted on Amazon under the pseudonym “The Amazin’ Amazon Guy”. Some of them got an appreciative response, but it was much funnier when Amazon users took me seriously.

I’ve since stopped writing Amazon reviews, because I ran out of gas. I used up variations of my all-time favorite jokes and moved on.

But I’ve preserved what I thought were the best of them here. Hope you enjoy them.

 

Book Review: William Shakespeare : The Complete Works (Vols 1-4)

Book Review: William Shakespeare : The Complete Works (Vols 1-4)

To make sense or not to make sense! Seriously, what's the deal with this Shakespeare guy! I Don't Understand This...
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Product Review: Body Candy Pink Neon Barbell Tongue Ring

Product Review: Body Candy Pink Neon Barbell Tongue Ring

You may have heard of the unpleathant thide effectth of tongue ringth, but I can tell you about it firththand!...
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Product Review: Seamless Butt Lifter, Panty Enhancer Underwear

Product Review: Seamless Butt Lifter, Panty Enhancer Underwear

Ladies, take it from me...if you're looking for a promotion at work or just some more confidence, get yourself some...
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Product Review: Turtle Wax Super Hard Shell Paste Wax

Product Review: Turtle Wax Super Hard Shell Paste Wax

Do we really need to put our sea-dwelling friends through turtle mills just so we can have shiny cars? Apparently...
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Music Review: Very Best of Michael Bolton

Music Review: Very Best of Michael Bolton

Yes, it is perfectly possible for confident heterosexual males to enjoy Michael Bolton's music. See for yourself, whatever your orientation...buy...
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DVD Review: Barney 3-Pack

DVD Review: Barney 3-Pack

The purple dinosaur may be popular, but is he really an accurate representation of a dinosaur? You can purchase the...
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Video Review: Emeril Green Episodes 1-5

Video Review: Emeril Green Episodes 1-5

Emeril's signature catchphrase "Bam!" has made him a national figure. It's time someone pointed out the insensitivity of that phrase....
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Product Review: U-Bet Strawberry Syrup

Product Review: U-Bet Strawberry Syrup

While U-Bet's famous strawberry syrup is extra tasty in a cold glass of milk, be warned of the side effects...namely...
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Movie Review: Swordfish/Terminator 3 DVD

Movie Review: Swordfish/Terminator 3 DVD

Someone say Swordfish? As in the movie where Halle Berry bares all? Heck yes! And still available on Amazon! Knockers...
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Music Review: Sting – Brand New Day

Music Review: Sting – Brand New Day

A musician as accomplished as Sting should never have to endure childish insults about his name. That's all I'm saying....
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Music Review: Sammy Hagar Unboxed

Music Review: Sammy Hagar Unboxed

Any discussion of rock music's great wordsmiths has got to include the Red Rocker. And you can capture his wit...
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Product Review: Pugster CZ Engagement Ring

Product Review: Pugster CZ Engagement Ring

The Pugster Cubic Zirconia engagement ring no longer exists on Amazon, which is a shame, because it was a true...
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Product Review: Burgundy Cher Wig

Product Review: Burgundy Cher Wig

If you want a really awful experience imprinted on your psyche forever, let your Cher fan wife get this look-alike...
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Product Review: Messengers of Faith Talking Jesus Doll

Product Review: Messengers of Faith Talking Jesus Doll

Capture the wit and wisdom of the founder of Christianity with this well-made action doll...get yours today here at Amazon!...
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Product Review: CIRCO Cheese Cutting Board Set

Product Review: CIRCO Cheese Cutting Board Set

If you really want to cut the cheese like a pro, get yourself this master cheese cutting set! (This review...
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DVD Review: Blood Sweat & Bagels Climbing DVD

DVD Review: Blood Sweat & Bagels Climbing DVD

Mountain climbing, I learned from my hapless misadventure, is not just about bagels and proper carb-building. DVD should probably have...
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Book Review: Bichons Frises by Roger Sipe

Book Review: Bichons Frises by Roger Sipe

My bad on this one, folks. I've often been known to make assumptions based on what words look like. But...
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Food Review: B&G Pickles

Food Review: B&G Pickles

What makes B&G pickles so great? They're extra tasty after you keep them warm in your pocket! Go ahead, get...
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