Music Review: Sammy Hagar Unboxed

Humorous Amazon Reviews


Music Review: Sammy Hagar Unboxed

Any discussion of rock music’s great wordsmiths has got to include the Red Rocker. And you can capture his wit and wisdom in this box set on Amazon!

 

 

The Most Accomplished Rock Music Wordsmith Of His Day Or Any Day!

“Suckers walk / Money talks / But it can’t touch my three-lock box.”

That, my friends, is just one sampling of the profoundly deep and thought-provoking lyrics found throughout this compilation honoring world class wordsmith Sammy Hagar, who was not only unquestionably the most erudite lyricist of his day but may be of any day. How about another so eloquently stated example:

“Crank up the drums / Crank out the bass / …There’s only one way to rock!”

As this quote demonstrates, one of Hagar’s lyrical strengths was how much he left open to interpretation–despite multiple suggestions contained within that particular composition, he ultimately leaves it to the listener to deduce that singular way to rock. There are so many layers of depth there. The man is also a master of every facet of wordplay in his poetry: oxymoron, onomatopoeia, puns, satire, dramatic irony, the list goes on.

And of course this volume contains his long-championed vehicular rebellion “I Can’t Drive 55”, the brilliance of which lingers on in the mind long after listening (“Take my license, all that jive” is still today a catchphrase among Hagar disciples).

But there is so much more to admire here. And it doesn’t even scratch the surface of all the poetry he penned as the singer for Van Halen–like “It’s got what it takes / So tell me why can’t this be love”, or “You know my heart is true / Oh whoa, I can’t stop loving you”. It does not get deeper than that.

Hagar’s poetry may not be the easiest to grasp on first listen, but that intellectual challenge is what keeps one coming back for more. You can keep Bob Dylan or Jim Morrison; for my money, no rock artist provokes the pondering mind like Sammy!

 

Photo credit: Simon Davison on Best Running / CC BY

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Product Review: Pugster CZ Engagement Ring

The Pugster Cubic Zirconia engagement ring no longer exists on Amazon, which is a shame, because it was a true gift for thrifty and lovestruck men out there.

 

It’s All About The Marketing Yo!

Let me tell you guys, don’t worry about the stigma. In plain language, she’ll get over it. And I’m gonna tell you how, thrifty stud man.

But first let me remind you of the incredible savings involved with cubic zirconia. This ring costs what, $30? (You can get free shipping by adding other stuff too.) And to think you were going to spend two months’ salary. (Then again, if two months’ salary is $30 for you, I’d say go for it and marry her before she finds out!) Think of what you can do with the money left over…season tickets, hi-def TV, AND maybe even some cookware for her. She won’t even know where the money came from and she’ll love the cookware, man. Win-win!

The thing is, you don’t have to let her know how much it cost, unless she wants it appraised. And then you can say something like “baby, I don’t care about insuring the ring, all I care about is insuring your companionship for life”. See what I mean? But if she insists, and you have to tell her…brace her for it. Tell her you had an affair with her best friend, and then when she starts to freak, you can say you were just kidding, “but your ring is cubic zirconia though”. That way there isn’t so much sting, right? She may even think you’re joking and she’ll tell her friends how funny you are.

Bottom line, you just need to let go of that authentic diamond noise. What matters is that you cared enough to give her this beautiful ring. That’s the way you tell your baby “girl, my LOVE is real”.

Now get to it Dr. Frugal Delight!

 

Photo credit: Mauro Cateb on Best Running / CC BY

This review contains affiliate links. If you use the links to purchase a product, the website owner receives a commission, at no extra cost to you. Thanks for your support!

Disclaimer: the photo contained in the header of this post is NOT a photo of this product. It’s just there to make it look nice. Please don’t be confused.

Product Review: Burgundy Cher Wig

If you want a really awful experience imprinted on your psyche forever, let your Cher fan wife get this look-alike wig. I shudder when I hear the words “Burgundy Cher Wig” to this day. (This review first appeared on Amazon.)

 

 

Guys…Be Warned: This Can Get WAY Out of Hand!

It was bad enough that my wife, whom I thought was sane in most respects, wanted to perform that awful song “Believe” at a karaoke bar. But then she decided to order the CD so she could get the tone and pitch and everything right, and she sees this wonderful burgundy Cher wig. Well, she just went nuts and had to have it. As you can guess, it went downhill from there.

We go to karaoke night at Wild Bill Buckhead’s, and after I spend a couple of hours cringing through wanna-bes singing “Achy Breaky” and “Piece Of My Heart” (yes, THAT “Piece of My Heart” by Janis Joplin, and you would think anyone could have sung it better than Joplin but GUESS AGAIN!), my wife signs up to sing “Believe”. Except some other babe has already signed up to sing it! The DJ tells her this and she freaks. She finds the girl and grabs her and shakes her while she’s screaming, “I’M CHER! I’M CHER! YOU CAN’T SING MY SONG YOU WHITE TRASH WENCH! I AM CHER!”

My mind was obviously occupied at the time, but the irony hit me later…imagine someone wearing a burgundy Cher wig calling another girl a “white trash wench”. Yeah. That happened in this universe.

Anyway, I had to pull her off of this poor girl, and of course now it’s a big scene and there’s even a couple of drunken idiots asking me if they can get her autograph. Great. Finally we get out of the bar and she’s still got this stupid wig on and she’s still screaming, “THAT’S MY SONG!” I got her home and said, “OK, NOW you can sing that dumb song!” So she put the CD on the stereo really loud and sang the song. It was brutal sitting through it but at least she finally quieted down.

Guys, just in case you’re thinking about tying the knot, just know that if she’s a Cher fan who wears Cher wigs, that’s a deal-breaker. What a frickin’ night.

(By the way, no, that isn’t my wife in the picture. That girl looks reasonably sane.)

Photo credit: neilward on Best Running / CC BY

 

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Product Review: Messengers of Faith Talking Jesus Doll

Capture the wit and wisdom of the founder of Christianity with this well-made action doll…get yours today here at Amazon!

 

 

Who knew that a carpenter from Nazareth would one day have his own action figure? Certainly not any of the disciples…they didn’t even make action figures for the general public back then! (Although I’ve heard that the privileged kids in Rome had Maximus action dolls.) But you can capture the wit and wisdom of the founder of Christianity with this well-designed action figure! OK, so maybe it doesn’t perform miracles…I tried that water into wine bit with it and it didn’t work, it’s still firmly H2O (at least as I write this). But I may have a slightly defective model.

It isn’t just the image of the greatest healer known to man, although the beard and robe are a nice touch. The Jesus action doll also talks when you push on his back, just like the real Jesus did! And I can verify that he speaks great inspiration. Here are some examples: “Do (unintelligible) have them do unto you”, “Let those among you (unintelligible) the first stone (phone?)”, and something about a camel-sized needle or something, I can’t quite make it out. But whatever, all of them are inspiring!

And since this is a true action doll, you can have him pose karate-style, ready to smite any luckless Pharisee that dares challenge his mighty doctrine of comforting the poor! The kids will love it!

 

Photo credit: Gerry Dincher on Best Running / CC BY-SA

This review contains affiliate links. If you use the links to purchase a product, the website owner receives a commission, at no extra cost to you. Thanks for your support!

 

 

Product Review: CIRCO Cheese Cutting Board Set

If you really want to cut the cheese like a pro, get yourself this master cheese cutting set! (This review first appeared on Amazon.)

Become A Master at Cutting The Cheese!

My wife and I have held our share of elegant dinner parties, and we always take great care to provide top quality gourmet foods. She pays special attention to the hors d’oeuvres (whatever they are) while I usually handle the main courses. So her part includes the cheeses, and while she took great pains to cut the cheese carefully before, until now she had yet to receive any compliments on her detailed and artful cheese-cutting skills.

So knowing how much effort she puts into it, last Christmas I gave her the CIRCO Cheese Cutting Board Set, and now she gets tons of praise at our dinner parties about how she can so effortlessly and efficiently cut the cheese. At every party we have now, it seems as though we get at least 3 or 4 compliments on the delightfully fragrant cheese that she cuts all by herself. Our guests say things like, “Holy muenster, who cut the cheese?” or “Wow! Did you actually cut the cheese in your kitchen?” The high point was when my mother, who is not known for handing out culinary compliments lightly, actually told my wife: “I don’t like to admit this, but I wish I could cut the cheese like you can!” And that was just music to my wife’s ears. She is absolutely thrilled with this set!

In addition to the boards, the package contains a swivel set that allows for circular cutting; and it has four different tools to make sure you have exactly the right cheese-cutting implement. There is even a little moat on the board for the excessive liquid that sometimes escapes when you cut the cheese. I can’t believe no one thought of this before! Necessity is the mother of invention of course, but sometimes it takes time to even see the obvious. Kudos to the minds at CIRCO!

And the naturally durable hardwood ensures that you will be masterfully cutting the cheese at dinner parties for years to come. It’s everything you could ask for in a cheese-cutting set!

 

Photo credit: Rochelle Hartman on Best Running / CC BY

This review contains affiliate links. If you use the links to purchase a product, the website owner receives a commission, at no extra cost to you. Thanks for your support!

Disclaimer: the photo contained in the header of this post is NOT a photo of this product. It’s just there to make it look nice. Please don’t be confused.

DVD Review: Blood Sweat & Bagels Climbing DVD

Mountain climbing, I learned from my hapless misadventure, is not just about bagels and proper carb-building. DVD should probably have had a different name. (This review first appeared on Amazon.)

Do NOT Try This at Home!

Seeing as how these English guys were able to climb these huge mountains was fascinating…even as I wondered who was responsible for the camerawork. But seeing that they did it on a diet of bagels unfortunately made me think I could do it myself. I carb up every morning with an Einstein Bros. special (two on weekend days), and while I wouldn’t exactly call myself ready for a marathon, these chaps made this whole rock climbing on a diet of bagels thing look pretty easy. Little did I know.

I went to the local rock climbing center (“Wall Of Denial”) full of both an extra large garlic and egg bagel and an overabundance of completely unjustified bravado. I even passed up on the free introductory lesson (called “It’s Not Just The Bagels”, I stupidly should have paid attention) because I’m literally out there thinking I can scale the “expert” wall in nothing flat like on American Gladiators, simply because I’ve eaten an authentic Manhattan-style bagel (tasty though it was).

I learned after about fifteen very embarrassing minutes that I don’t have a very bright future as a rock climber. Or maybe even as a father after the tightrope snafu. Mercifully, the instructor took time away from teaching the beginners and ended my session, but not before a lot of finger pointing and jocularity from everyone in the place. Yeah, very funny. Mind turning my helmet back around when you get a chance to breathe, jerk?

Nothing wrong with this DVD as far as entertainment value; just keep in mind that these guys are experts, and it’s NOT because they eat bagels. Take it from someone who learned the hard way.

 

Photo credit: grongar on Best Running / CC BY

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Book Review: Bichons Frises by Roger Sipe

My bad on this one, folks. I’ve often been known to make assumptions based on what words look like. But I’m sharing this so others won’t make the same mistake! If you’re actually looking for a Bichon Frises book, this one will do nicely.

 

 

I Really Don’t Know How Good This Is, My Mistake Buying It

Sorry but I didn’t actually read this book. I saw it on the shelf of my local bookstore (“Books-A-Zulu”) and I picked it up without thinking because I read the title wrong. You see, I’ve always been a big fan of french fries, and I guess I thought since my spelling skills aren’t great (this is so embarrassing), that this book taught you how to make “Bitchin’ Fries”.

I should have done a cursory inspection at least, and I suppose in retrospect it was kind of strange that a picture of a dog would be on a cover of a french fry cookbook. But, I mean, who knows? Sometimes cookbooks have pictures of happy kids on the cover, right? I thought maybe the fries were something you fed to your poodle if you made too many of them. I mean, the dog on the cover kind of looks like a poodle.

So anyway, sorry again if this review doesn’t help you out…I just put it up here just on the remote chance that someone else may not grasp the subtle distinction in the spelling and pronunciation. We’re all in this together. Especially french fry cooks and dog owners! Sorry!

 

Photo credit: sonstroem on Best Running / CC BY

This review contains affiliate links. If you use the links to purchase a product, the website owner receives a commission, at no extra cost to you. Thanks for your support!

Disclaimer: the photo contained in the header of this post is NOT a photo of this product. It’s just there to make it look nice. Please don’t be confused.

 

 

Food Review: B&G Pickles

What makes B&G pickles so great? They’re extra tasty after you keep them warm in your pocket! Go ahead, get yourself a jar on Amazon today!

 

Is That A Pickle In Your Pocket?

I enjoy B&G’s pickles so much that I have been known to actually carry one or two in my pocket. Not for long, just enough so that they warm up a bit and they won’t bother my sensitive teeth. For some reason people think that that is humorous, and I am frequently asked “Is that a pickle in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?” Of course the answer is usually both. But I must not have been the first to think of this, because people seem able to instantly identify the lump in my pocket as a pickle.

I think it speaks volumes about the quality of B&G’s pickles that some of their patrons will actually carry them around in their pockets. Perhaps they could make pocket-sized jars, so that people could have multiple pickles in their pockets! They could use it as an ad slogan too: “B&G pickles: so good you’ll want a pickle in your pocket!”

I can’t really explain why, but I’ve noticed that women talk to me more when I have a B&G’s pickle in my pocket. I don’t know if it possibly emits some kind of pheromonic aroma or maybe it’s just that my disposition becomes sunnier knowing that I will soon be crunching vigorously into a B&G’s pickle, but if you’re not having much luck there, maybe you could try it.

 

Photo credit: Kristin “Shoe” Shoemaker on Best Running / CC BY-ND

This review contains affiliate links. If you use the links to purchase a product, the website owner receives a commission, at no extra cost to you. Thanks for your support!

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Book Review: Mr. Pine’s Purple House by Leonard P. Kessler

This was a popular children’s book when I was a lad, but I feel it has a message that isn’t for children. If you disagree, you can still buy the book here on Amazon.

 

 

Mr. Pine…Have You Been Drinking?

I get that this is a children’s book and everything, so maybe I shouldn’t be so literal in examining the ongoing issue Mr. Pine has. But here’s the deal. Mr. Pine has a townhouse that resembles all the other townhouses in the neighborhood, so he has trouble figuring out which house is his when he comes home at night.

OK, is the resemblance of the houses REALLY the reason for his trouble? Anyone who has lived in the same home for over a month–and there is no reason to assume Mr. Pine has not–should not have too much trouble finding it from day to day, even at night. My hypothesis is that the man has a bit of a drinking problem. Perhaps he could look for other distinguishing characteristics to find his home, like the busted up mailbox that he ran over one night or something. Since the book never delves into Mr. Pine’s history (which might include some incidents), we are left wondering what the actual reason is for Mr. Pine’s difficulty, which drives him to plant a tree, then a bush, and then ultimately paint his house a very gaudy purple. Apparently ol’ Mr. Pine-A-Colada needed it to be obvious.

Ultimately, I don’t think that this is good for kids to be reading. Even if Mr. Pine’s real problem is just a sly implication left within the story so that we streetwise adults can pick up on it.

 

Photo credit: Padraic. on Best Running / CC BY-SA

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Book Review: Berries by Roger Yepsen

While this book contains a wealth of information, it does appear to have a glaring omission. I don’t know whether it’s been corrected, but the book is available on Amazon here.

 

 

What?!?! Nothing on Dingleberries?

It is to my amazement and shock that for all of its detailed information, this book contains nothing about dingleberries. While I will concede that most of civilized society still regards the humble dingleberry as more of a nuisance than as a bona fide member of the berry kingdom, this should hardly be a reason to exclude them from the berry vernacular. After all, I’m not crazy about raspberries but I wouldn’t single them out from any discussion about what constitutes a legitimate berry.

I can only guess in contemplating the motivation behind the exclusion of the dingleberry from this volume. Perhaps it’s because the dingleberry is not considered a key ingredient of any contemporary delicacy (e.g. pies or muffins) for obvious reasons. I don’t anticipate an emergence of dingleberry milkshakes or some kind of off-the-wall Ben & Jerry’s flavor (like “Dingleberry Manilow” or something). But even as such, culinary function is hardly the only defining characteristic of a berry. So I really can’t comprehend the reasoning. Hopefully the publisher can correct this egregious omission in future editions.

 

Photo on Best Running

This review contains affiliate links. If you use the links to purchase a product, the website owner receives a commission, at no extra cost to you. Thanks for your support!

Disclaimer: the photo contained in the header of this post is NOT a photo of this product. It’s just there to make it look nice. Please don’t be confused.