My bad on this one, folks. I’ve often been known to make assumptions based on what words look like. But I’m sharing this so others won’t make the same mistake! If you’re actually looking for a Bichon Frises book, this one will do nicely.

I Really Don’t Know How Good This Is, My Mistake Buying It

Sorry but I didn’t actually read this book. I saw it on the shelf of my local bookstore (“Books-A-Zulu”) and I picked it up without thinking because I read the title wrong. You see, I’ve always been a big fan of french fries, and I guess I thought since my spelling skills aren’t great (this is so embarrassing), that this book taught you how to make “Bitchin’ Fries”.

I should have done a cursory inspection at least, and I suppose in retrospect it was kind of strange that a picture of a dog would be on a cover of a french fry cookbook. But, I mean, who knows? Sometimes cookbooks have pictures of happy kids on the cover, right? I thought maybe the fries were something you fed to your poodle if you made too many of them. I mean, the dog on the cover kind of looks like a poodle.

So anyway, sorry again if this review doesn’t help you out…I just put it up here just on the remote chance that someone else may not grasp the subtle distinction in the spelling and pronunciation. We’re all in this together. Especially french fry cooks and dog owners! Sorry!

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What makes B&G pickles so great? They’re extra tasty after you keep them warm in your pocket! Go ahead, get yourself a jar on Amazon today!

Is That A Pickle In Your Pocket?

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This was a popular children’s book when I was a lad, but I feel it has a message that isn’t for children. If you disagree, you can still buy the book here on Amazon.

Mr. Pine…Have You Been Drinking?

I get that this is a children’s book and everything, so maybe I shouldn’t be so literal in examining the ongoing issue Mr. Pine has. But here’s the deal. Mr. Pine has a townhouse that resembles all the other townhouses in the neighborhood, so he has trouble figuring out which house is his when he comes home at night.

OK, is the resemblance of the houses REALLY the reason for his trouble? Anyone who has lived in the same home for over a month–and there is no reason to assume Mr. Pine has not–should not have too much trouble finding it from day to day, even at night. My hypothesis is that the man has a bit of a drinking problem. Perhaps he could look for other distinguishing characteristics to find his home, like the busted up mailbox that he ran over one night or something. Since the book never delves into Mr. Pine’s history (which might include some incidents), we are left wondering what the actual reason is for Mr. Pine’s difficulty, which drives him to plant a tree, then a bush, and then ultimately paint his house a very gaudy purple. Apparently ol’ Mr. Pine-A-Colada needed it to be obvious.

Ultimately, I don’t think that this is good for kids to be reading. Even if Mr. Pine’s real problem is just a sly implication left within the story so that we streetwise adults can pick up on it.

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While this book contains a wealth of information, it does appear to have a glaring omission. I don’t know whether it’s been corrected, but the book is available on Amazon here.

What?!?! Nothing on Dingleberries?

It is to my amazement and shock that for all of its detailed information, this book contains nothing about dingleberries. While I will concede that most of civilized society still regards the humble dingleberry as more of a nuisance than as a bona fide member of the berry kingdom, this should hardly be a reason to exclude them from the berry vernacular. After all, I’m not crazy about raspberries but I wouldn’t single them out from any discussion about what constitutes a legitimate berry.

I can only guess in contemplating the motivation behind the exclusion of the dingleberry from this volume. Perhaps it’s because the dingleberry is not considered a key ingredient of any contemporary delicacy (e.g. pies or muffins) for obvious reasons. I don’t anticipate an emergence of dingleberry milkshakes or some kind of off-the-wall Ben & Jerry’s flavor (like “Dingleberry Manilow” or something). But even as such, culinary function is hardly the only defining characteristic of a berry. So I really can’t comprehend the reasoning. Hopefully the publisher can correct this egregious omission in future editions.

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James Legge covers Confucius’s teachings in great detail, but there is a glaring omission. All the same, it’s worth picking up if you’re an admirer of Confucius.

Doesn’t Really Do Justice To The True Brilliance of Confucius

This book wasn’t terrible or lacking in substance, but the author really misses out on some of the classic wisdom Confucius shared with his people that has been handed down through generations and cultures everywhere. I agree that Confucius was a very wise and powerful sage when it came to issues like political structure regarding Asian nations, and to his credit James Legge documents this very well. But what about all of the more commonplace, apt and lighthearted axioms that the brilliant Chinese philosopher brought us?

Amazingly, the book omits scrutiny of some of Confucius’s best known observations, such as “Man who fly upside down have crack up”, “Wise man never play leapfrog with unicorn”, and “Woman who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse”. How could these long-enduring philosophical tenets have been missed, especially as they remain so relevant in modern society? Not only are those quotes funny, but the humor of them is genuinely rooted in a truth and wisdom at a level that only someone of Confucius’s outstanding mental acuity could have achieved.

To be sure, Legge does cover in detail some of Confucius’s great philosophical moments, such as the meeting in Ts’oo with the Duke. I don’t wish to downplay his work in that regard. Legge is obviously a great admirer of Confucius and perhaps this effort was an attempt to avoid rehashing the manifestly obvious aspects of Confucius’s legacy. One can only speculate.

But again, even an in-depth look at the teachings of Confucius should not pass over the more mainstream, popular adages contained in his teachings. I don’t understand the omission of maxims like “Man who stand on toilet high on pot”, “Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night”, and the rarely overlooked and timeless classic, “It is better to be p—ed off than on”. Whatever the deeper implications of Confucius’s impact, it’s hardly questionable whether some of his most memorable gems of wisdom should be included in the discussion. That’s just my opinion.

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Got milk? Heck yes! Even I couldn’t believe the increase in production from this well-constructed and balanced hands-free nursing bra. It can even be worn in public! Amazon censored this review citing their “sensitivity filter”, so maybe the cow’s milk industry wasn’t happy about my promoting self-reliance. But whatever, five stars!

Got Milk? Heck Yes!

Are you kidding me? I never knew my wife had it in her, so to speak. We have three quarts in the refrigerator and counting! Guess we’ll be making more pudding!

The Easy Expressions bra with the pump is safe, easy to use and nowhere near as cumbersome as it looks. My wife was even able to wear it at work, and while she heard some snide remarks from her customers at Friday’s (one boob–pardon the pun–kept asking which one was skim, another couldn’t stop saying “nice jugs”), it was certainly worth it to be able to produce all that nutrition, all the while serving jalapeno poppers. (Couldn’t do THAT before!)

And two pumping at the same time also ensures balanced wear and tear on the ol’ grapefruits. Way to go Easy Expressions!

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If you’re really into Uranus, this book is for you! Amazon for some reason blocked this review, citing their “Sensitivity Filter”, so maybe some people thought Neptune deserved equal recognition or something. But whatever, I gave this book five stars for how it helped me get a feel for Uranus!

Get An In-Depth Look At Uranus!

For some strange reason, I’ve always had a deep fascination with Uranus. I’ve even gone as far as to speculate whether Uranus emits an overwhelming odor and if that is why we haven’t yet landed anyone on or near Uranus to explore it more thoroughly. Some of my friends think I go a little overboard with it and that I’m obsessed with Uranus. They’ve even yelled at me during softball games to “Get your head out of Uranus!” which is sort of funny I guess.

This book was full of information and extremely helpful as far as things like the chapter on Uranus cycles. Sometimes even I forget that Uranus is in a constant state of flux! Another cool thing I learned about Uranus was the bit about the positioning of Uranus and how it relates to things like our love life. Who knew that the location of Uranus mattered so much in romance? Uranus just blows me away sometimes!

So if you’d like to learn more about the great mystery that is Uranus, and I think most people do, I highly recommend purchasing this book. It will really help you dig deeply into Uranus!

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Yes, it is perfectly possible for confident heterosexual males to enjoy Michael Bolton’s music. See for yourself, whatever your orientation…buy the CD on Amazon here!

I Like Michael Bolton’s Music And I Am Not Gay!

For the record, let me just state that I prefer women and always have. I have not ever been attracted to another man in even a Biblical way. Now, OFF the record…just kidding. I can joke confidently because I am fully heterosexual despite the supposed contradiction of my liking Michael Bolton’s music.

As I have said, this has nothing whatever to do with any kind of speed bumps in my sexual confidence, nor is it related to any kind of quirk in my attraction for and from females. I am quite definitely attracted to women only, and I still like Michael Bolton’s music. One does not necessarily exclude the other. “When A Man Loves A Woman” is not some sort of metaphor for suppressed homosexuality as one of my friends insisted when I said I liked Michael Bolton’s version of the song. Come on with that.

To reiterate, Michael Bolton’s music is likable even by the standards of a male who has zero desire to sleep with other males, a distinction I fall into with complete confidence. I am NOT gay, or bi or even bi-curious. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Liking Michael Bolton’s music does not prove anything in the tiniest form otherwise despite what some less enlightened people may think.

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A musician as accomplished as Sting should never have to endure childish insults about his name. That’s all I’m saying. I couldn’t stop thinking about that when listening to Brand New Day.

Come On People, Stop Referring To This Genius As “Stink”!

It is really a shame that a musician of such accomplishments as Sting is still continually subjected to such a childish insult of being called “Stink” all the time. So help me, it’s just ridiculous. Every time I mention how much I love Sting’s music I always hear “Oh, you like Stink eh?” Or “I didn’t know it was possible to actually listen to Stink!” Ha ha, very funny. Honestly, can’t people come up with anything better than an awful pun on Mr. Sumner’s clever pseudonym?

Some thoughtless people think that they’re being humorous by suggesting that his music “stinks” and so that is an appropriate name for him. This is wholly unfair because only some of his music stinks and that is metaphorical anyway so it wouldn’t apply to someone supposedly having body odor as that stupid nickname “Stink” suggests. So I am requesting that people knock off this whole “Stink” bit. STING deserves better than that!

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Any discussion of rock music’s great wordsmiths has got to include the Red Rocker. And you can capture his wit and wisdom in this box set on Amazon!

The Most Accomplished Rock Music Wordsmith Of His Day Or Any Day!

“Suckers walk / Money talks / But it can’t touch my three-lock box.”

That, my friends, is just one sampling of the profoundly deep and thought-provoking lyrics found throughout this compilation honoring world class wordsmith Sammy Hagar, who was not only unquestionably the most erudite lyricist of his day but may be of any day. How about another so eloquently stated example:

“Crank up the drums / Crank out the bass / …There’s only one way to rock!”

As this quote demonstrates, one of Hagar’s lyrical strengths was how much he left open to interpretation–despite multiple suggestions contained within that particular composition, he ultimately leaves it to the listener to deduce that singular way to rock. There are so many layers of depth there. The man is also a master of every facet of wordplay in his poetry: oxymoron, onomatopoeia, puns, satire, dramatic irony, the list goes on.

And of course this volume contains his long-championed vehicular rebellion “I Can’t Drive 55”, the brilliance of which lingers on in the mind long after listening (“Take my license, all that jive” is still today a catchphrase among Hagar disciples).

But there is so much more to admire here. And it doesn’t even scratch the surface of all the poetry he penned as the singer for Van Halen–like “It’s got what it takes / So tell me why can’t this be love”, or “You know my heart is true / Oh whoa, I can’t stop loving you”. It does not get deeper than that.

Hagar’s poetry may not be the easiest to grasp on first listen, but that intellectual challenge is what keeps one coming back for more. You can keep Bob Dylan or Jim Morrison; for my money, no rock artist provokes the pondering mind like Sammy!

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