To make sense or not to make sense! Seriously, what’s the deal with this Shakespeare guy!

I Don’t Understand This Frickin’ Guy At All!

I was told repeatedly that I needed to become more worldly and that there was more to life than, say, NASCAR. So when someone suggested reading Shakespeare I figured I’d give it a shot. I’ve never been so baffled in my life at this dude. I can’t understand a frickin’ word he says!

Listen to this: “I will render thee again in affection; by mine honour, I will; and when I break that oath, let me turn monster: therefore, my sweet Rose, my dear Rose, be merry.”

Huh? “Let me turn monster”? What in tarnation does that mean? “Render thee again in affection”? WTH? Does that mean cooking someone you love in bacon grease more than once? I don’t know anybody who talks like this.

Or this: “I stood i’ the level of a full-charged confederacy, and give thanks to you that choked it.”

Seriously, what the freak is that? What is a full-charged confederacy and how does one choke it? That sounds like a euphemism for boppin’ the baloney for crying out loud. I just don’t get what the big deal is about this guy.

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You may have heard of the unpleathant thide effectth of tongue ringth, but I can tell you about it firththand! Beware before purchathing thith tongue ring

All I Can Thay Ith “OOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWW!!!!”

It didn’t theem like a bad idea when my wife thaid it would be great if I got a tongue ring to match herth. Thee didn’t theem to mind it too much and it didn’t affect her thpeech notithably that I could tell. Thee thaid it wath a thex thing but without going into detail it jutht made me itch.

Anyway I chothe the pink barbell becauthe it betht fit my perthonality, I’m kinda tough and thenthitive at the thame time. Then we went to what I now think ith the inappropriately named “Thafe and Thavvy Tattooth and Pierthingth”. And thith guy thartth putting a thewing needle through my tongue and it thtill hurtth like all heck! I didn’t eckthpect it to be painleth but holy thit!

I tried to thmile after they inthtalled the thing but it wath jutht too painful. Unfortunately the ring ith locked in plathe and the tattoo thtore can’t get it out! And tho now I’m thtuck with thith thing and it’th not very mathculine to thpeak the way I do now. We have to thet up an appointment with a doctor and I’m thure that ithn’t going to be fun.

Tho think twithe abouth thith. It thtill really hurtth like a thon of a bitth!

Photo credit: avatar-1 on Best Running / CC BY-SA

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Ladies, take it from me…if you’re looking for a promotion at work or just some more confidence, get yourself some healthy back with this amazing Seamless Butt Lifter!

Baby Got Back!

Ladies, you know you’re looking for that extra edge, maybe in the workplace or something. So why not go get yourself some healthy back?

I actually tried the Seamless Butt Lifter Panty Enhancer myself since even for a guy I’m a little lacking in that department. I wore it to work and that very day, the boss gave me a promotion! He said he liked the way that I “carried myself”! I didn’t know if it was a coincidence or not but I kept wearing it for a week and I never felt better about myself. If it worked for me it can surely work for you.

I’ve even decided to carry a few around with me as a public service, giving them out for free to women that I meet out in malls and stuff. The ones who should use them, needless to say, are easy to spot. But don’t hang in a mall (sorry, poor choice of words) waiting for me…just go ahead and order these on Amazon and get a healthier and more shapely booty! The Booty Man out!

Photo credit: Ken Lund on Best Running / CC BY-SA

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Do we really need to put our sea-dwelling friends through turtle mills just so we can have shiny cars? Apparently a lot of people think so given the glowing reviews of this product.

TURTLE Wax?!?!?!?

I have read that this is manufactured from the innards of real turtles – “hard shell” indeed! Some of you might call me some sort of “animal rights nut”, but I can’t help but think of the native turtles being de-shelled and slaughtered just so people can have shiny cars.

I think that if you were to actually witness what happens in a turtle wax mill, you’d think twice about how important the shine on your car is. You may even become a vegan like I did. What if turtles decided to start shining their shells with “People Wax”? You wouldn’t be too happy about that, would you?

Photo on Best Running

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The purple dinosaur may be popular, but is he really an accurate representation of a dinosaur? You can purchase the video here and see for yourself.

NOT An Accurate Representation Of Dinosaurs

I know many people think this Barney character is a legitimate representation of the dinosaur species that once ruled this planet. Some scientists believe that dinosaurs were benevolent creatures, which may be true, but so far no evidence has been found that they were even known to sing, let alone repeatedly chant a tune that can only be described as a patently goofy theme celebrating universal love.

Also no representations of dinosaurs generated from fossils have ever shown them to have this dinosaur’s grin. Given the teeth alignment of the common dinosaur, for this Barney to have the permanent grin that he possesses would have made him a freak of nature, and VERY unlikely to reproduce with other dinosaurs.

And for crying out loud, dinosaurs were NOT purple. Honestly, where in the world did that come from? And there’s that voice, and the dancing and even the hopscotch ability. I could go on and on.

I just have a problem with this sort of evolutionary revisionism. The Barney people have taught a generation of kids that the once-prominent dinosaurs were friendly purple goofballs who sang “I love you” all the time. A minimal study of the dinosaur fossil records will easily show this to NOT be the case. It’s time for serious scientists to gather and take a stand here.

Photo credit: chrisinphilly5448 on Best Running / CC BY-SA

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Emeril’s signature catchphrase “Bam!” has made him a national figure. It’s time someone pointed out the insensitivity of that phrase. (This product is available here.)

Insensitive to Spontaneous Human Combustion Victims

I work as an EMT in the city of Rio Linda, California. I’ve seen plenty of things that would turn anyone’s stomach, like the man who ate his own guts to survive being stuck on an escalator. But nothing compares to seeing someone spontaneously combust. Surely someone on the Emeril set has heard of the Gus Wheeler case?

Anyone who has witnessed an incident of spontaneous human combustion would not find Mr. Lagasse’s trademark exclamation the slightest bit entertaining. I don’t care how politically correct I sound saying it, but “BAM!” is all too close to what a combusting human sounds like. Take it from someone who has seen it happen twice. Just hearing someone say “BAM!” makes me jump out of my skin.

If you want more information you can call the Anti-Spontaneous Human Combustion Victims Defamation League (ASHCVDL, pronounced “ASH-ka-viddle”). I haven’t told them about this because I know they would blow up (no pun intended) at hearing the famous TV cook periodically in his show re-create the sound of someone spontaneously combusting. And doing it repeatedly! “BAM!”, “BAM!”, “BAM!” I’m shuddering thinking about it.

Photo on Best Running

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While U-Bet’s famous strawberry syrup is extra tasty in a cold glass of milk, be warned of the side effects…namely the pink mustache and resulting dignity hit. (You can purchase it here if you’re prepared.)

Beware The Pink Mustache!

Without going into detail about what I do, let’s just say that I have a very important position in the mutual funds company where I work. I make vital decisions on which the very future of the company can sometimes depend. It is important for me to carry myself with a confident and sustained dignity.

So it was a source of great embarrassment when I showed up at an afternoon meeting following a lunch hastily washed down with a cold glass of U-Bet strawberry milk. I did not realize until later that I had been handing down important edicts with a pink mustache. My first glance in the mirror afterward immediately revealed the reason for my subordinates’ suppressed laughter throughout the meeting. I was wondering why so many people were holding up their cell phones during the meeting until pictures of the pink-mustachioed me began appearing in the office. Needless to say, the integrity of my authority has taken a big hit.

And U-Bet’s tech support was unfortunately no help either. I got patched through to a woman whose native language was clearly Russian, and she kept promising me “hot love forever” in shattered English if I would be “American husband”. That might have been titillating at another time but I was focused on my specific problem with pink mustaches.

Photo credit: quinn.anya on Best Running / CC BY-SA (modified to fit header.)

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Someone say Swordfish? As in the movie where Halle Berry bares all? Heck yes! And still available on Amazon!

Knockers Alert! Halle Berry Nude!

I don’t remember much about the plot of Swordfish. It may have been half decent or had some good lines in it. But most importantly it does feature a nude Halle Berry. She is already something else with clothes on, but nude? Bull market! This DVD is well worth the price to see Halle Berry’s impressive cocoa casabas on full unclad display.

It also stars John Travolta as an anti-terrorism agent or something, and it has Halle Berry nude in it. To repeat, Halle Berry appears nude for a scene in Swordfish. If you would like to see Halle Berry nude anytime you want I would recommend buying this DVD. You can do what I do and pause that part so you can look at Halle Berry nude for as long as you like. (I’m trying to make it into a poster.) Like I said I don’t remember the plot too much, because I mainly focused on Halle Berry in the nude. She’s hot. And nude in this movie!

Haven’t watched the Terminator movie yet.

Photo credit: Gage Skidmore on Best Running / CC BY-SA  (Modified for the header of the post)

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The Pugster Cubic Zirconia engagement ring no longer exists on Amazon, which is a shame, because it was a true gift for thrifty and lovestruck men out there.

It’s All About The Marketing Yo!

Let me tell you guys, don’t worry about the stigma. In plain language, she’ll get over it. And I’m gonna tell you how, thrifty stud man.

But first let me remind you of the incredible savings involved with cubic zirconia. This ring costs what, $30? (You can get free shipping by adding other stuff too.) And to think you were going to spend two months’ salary. (Then again, if two months’ salary is $30 for you, I’d say go for it and marry her before she finds out!) Think of what you can do with the money left over…season tickets, hi-def TV, AND maybe even some cookware for her. She won’t even know where the money came from and she’ll love the cookware, man. Win-win!

The thing is, you don’t have to let her know how much it cost, unless she wants it appraised. And then you can say something like “baby, I don’t care about insuring the ring, all I care about is insuring your companionship for life”. See what I mean? But if she insists, and you have to tell her…brace her for it. Tell her you had an affair with her best friend, and then when she starts to freak, you can say you were just kidding, “but your ring is cubic zirconia though”. That way there isn’t so much sting, right? She may even think you’re joking and she’ll tell her friends how funny you are.

Bottom line, you just need to let go of that authentic diamond noise. What matters is that you cared enough to give her this beautiful ring. That’s the way you tell your baby “girl, my LOVE is real”.

Now get to it Dr. Frugal Delight!

Photo credit: Mauro Cateb on Best Running / CC BY

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Capture the wit and wisdom of the founder of Christianity with this well-made action doll…get yours today here at Amazon!

Who knew that a carpenter from Nazareth would one day have his own action figure? Certainly not any of the disciples…they didn’t even make action figures for the general public back then! (Although I’ve heard that the privileged kids in Rome had Maximus action dolls.) But you can capture the wit and wisdom of the founder of Christianity with this well-designed action figure! OK, so maybe it doesn’t perform miracles…I tried that water into wine bit with it and it didn’t work, it’s still firmly H2O (at least as I write this). But I may have a slightly defective model.

It isn’t just the image of the greatest healer known to man, although the beard and robe are a nice touch. The Jesus action doll also talks when you push on his back, just like the real Jesus did! And I can verify that he speaks great inspiration. Here are some examples: “Do (unintelligible) have them do unto you”, “Let those among you (unintelligible) the first stone (phone?)”, and something about a camel-sized needle or something, I can’t quite make it out. But whatever, all of them are inspiring!

And since this is a true action doll, you can have him pose karate-style, ready to smite any luckless Pharisee that dares challenge his mighty doctrine of comforting the poor! The kids will love it!

Photo credit: Gerry Dincher on Best Running / CC BY-SA

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